Meltdowns in Public: What to Do in the Shop, the Park or on a Day Out

Your child is on the supermarket floor, everyone is looking, and your face is burning. Almost every parent has been there. Here’s how to get through it calmly, and how to make it less likely next time.

First: tantrum or meltdown?

The two can look the same, but they need different responses.

• A tantrum usually happens when a child wants something or is frustrated by a “no”. They still have some control, and it often stops once it’s clear it isn’t working.
• A meltdown happens when a child is overwhelmed, for example by noise, crowds, lights, tiredness or too much going on. They aren’t in control, and it isn’t a bid to get something. Any child can have a meltdown, but they are more common for autistic children and children with sensory needs.

For a tantrum, stay calm and hold the limit. For a meltdown, focus on safety and on reducing what’s overwhelming your child.

Before you go

• Time it well. Avoid trips when your child is tired or hungry, and keep them short.
• Explain the plan. “We’re getting bread, milk and apples, then going home.” Agree any treat in advance, or say clearly that there isn’t one.
• Give them a job: holding the list, finding the apples, pushing the trolley.
• Pack a calm kit: a snack, water, a comfort toy, and ear defenders or headphones for noisy places.
• Agree a break plan: “If it gets too much, we’ll go outside for a minute.”

In the moment

1. Make it safe. Move your child, or things around them, so nobody gets hurt.
2. Find somewhere quieter if you can: outside, the car, or a quiet corner. Less noise and fewer eyes help both of you.
3. Use very few words in a calm, low voice. “I’m here. You’re safe.” Lots of talking adds to the overload.
4. Don’t give in to tantrum demands. If it’s about the sweets, buying the sweets teaches that public tantrums work. If it’s a meltdown, it’s not about the sweets at all, so focus on calming things down.
5. Forget the audience. The only person who matters right now is your child. Most onlookers are parents who have been there too.
6. It’s OK to leave. Abandoning the shopping is sometimes the best decision you’ll make all day.

If a stranger tries to help or comment, a simple “We’re OK, thank you” is all you need to say.

Afterwards

• Reconnect first. A cuddle, a drink, some quiet time. Save any talking for later.
• Talk about it when everyone is calm. “The shop was really noisy today. What would help next time?”
• Look for patterns. Is it always the same place, time of day or kind of trip? That tells you what to change.
• Go easy on yourself. A hard moment in public says nothing about your parenting.

When to ask for advice

If meltdowns happen often in busy places, or your child seems very sensitive to noise, lights, crowds or textures, talk to your health visitor, GP or your child’s school. Our guide Is this tantrum normal? explains the signs worth mentioning.

Safe, quiet, few words, and somewhere to go.

Read next: screen-time meltdowns and how to set consequences without being harsh.